If you've ever had a hair smoothing treatment, like a keratin infusion or Brazilian blow-dry, you'll know just how much time and energy you tend to save when it comes to washing and styling – especially if your hair is thick, coarse and prone to frizz.

A way of shuttling lost keratin (essentially protein) back into the hair shaft, treatments like these take porous, dull, unmanageable hair and make it shiny, healthy, strong and smooth. But while it may sound like a brilliant option for those who struggle with their lengths on a daily basis, more and more hair professionals are warning clients against back-to-back keratin treatments, as they could do more harm than good.

"Keratin has proven to be revolutionary in taking untamed hair and making it look effortlessly blow-dried," explains Vanessa Essack, stylist at Hari's Hairdressers. "The treatment wraps keratin around each hair strand, typically using heat, but as the keratin is protein-based, too much of it can make the hair brittle and snappy." Cue breakage and split ends.

Adir Abergel, hairstylist and creative director of Virtue Labs, agrees, suggesting that overdoing it on keratin will essentially 'glue down' and 'plasticise' your hair over time. "I like keratin treatments in the sense that they can often change someone's daily hair routine for the better," he told R29, "especially seeing as some people have to spend 45 minutes blow-drying their hair in the morning. That said, you can definitely over-proteinise your hair. When this happens, you'll notice that the hair becomes much harder."

Adir and Vanessa add that you don't have to get rid of the keratin aspect completely, especially if said treatments make the texture of your hair more manageable on a daily basis, but it pays to use products which will condition and maintain elasticity in the hair to tone down the effect of the hair-hardening protein. "Make sure your aftercare is not protein-based," advises Vanessa. "Most 'restructuring' or 'rebuilding' hair products include protein to strengthen, so must be avoided. Instead, use nourishing and moisturising products." Her top recommendation? Hair oil post-hair wash to keep lengths glossy. A pro go-to, Kérastase's Elixir Ultime L'Original Hair Oil, £43, nourishes, softens and maintains flexibility. Also try Hask Argan Oil From Morocco Repairing Shine Hair Oil, £3, and Dove Advanced Hair Series Shine Revived Oil Treatment, £7.75.

To make your keratin treatment last longer, Vanessa suggests investing in a sulphate-free shampoo. It's much less likely to chip away at the protein (as well as hair colour), which means your hair stays smoother for longer and visits to the salon for top-up treatments are few and far between. R29 rates Pureology Hydrate Sheer Shampoo, £19.95, YOPE Oat Milk Shampoo, £6.50, and Elvive Full Restore 5 Low Shampoo, £6.99.

If you regularly straighten or dye your hair and are reluctant to give up the strengthening products, Adir recommends Virtue's Smooth Shampoo, £14, which enlists hydrolysed keratin extracted from human hair (most others are derived from animal byproducts, according to the pro) to fill the cuticle temporarily. The star ingredient allows more moisture into the hair, increasing malleability and reducing breakage or hair hardening, typical of overdoing it on keratin blow-dries. "I wouldn’t suggest completely stopping keratin treatments at all," Adir concludes. "Just manage your haircare better in between."

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The few glimpses of face-warming sun we've had so far this year have been almost unbearable with their teasing promises of a warm summer ahead. It's a frustrating feeling, knowing that summer will come but at the moment is still a little too far out of reach. It's like looking back at your holiday pictures from last year's beach trip or seeing advertisements for Aperol or rosé wine (you know, the good stuff, not the stuff that tastes like sticky peach squash).

Looking at the new collection from homeware brand Cabana inspires a similar sort of mood. It's a collection that brings to mind long late-afternoon lunches; it's reminiscent of that one week a year where you come to the conclusion that you should replace your functional British wardrobe with extravagant kaftans; it's summer (literally) in a bowl.

In case you hadn't noticed, a splashy, colourful brightness in interiors has set in. Call it a reaction to the dark and dreary world outside, or a backlash to years of Scandi minimalism; extravagant, ostentatious looks are fast becoming the norm.

Cabana itself began as an interiors magazine (the look and print of the mag sparks far more joy than a weekly copy of Take A Break, I can tell you) created by Martina Mondadori Sartogo and has become something of a cult publication. This collection is launching at Matches Fashion and taking over their Mayfair townhouse, 5 Carlos Place, for all of April – something you can absolutely head on down to check out yourself from 5th April.

The collection is, as you'll note, focused on dinnerware. The plates are hand-painted in Italy, inspired by traditional Hungarian and Mediterranean techniques; the linen pattern comes from ecclesiastical vestments from Renaissance Venice; the glass is all blown in Murano and the baskets and placemats are woven in Florence.

As you might have surmised, the collection's prices make it more of an investment buy than an impulse purchase kind of thing – although there are a few pieces which start from £30.

Happy summering.

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Gather around, kids. I’m going to talk you through the first few scenes of Obsessed. It’s a film that you’ll soon come to recognise as one of the most ironically iconic in recent history. You’ve probably not heard it mentioned in the 10 years since it sauntered onto the big screen, starring Idris Elba and Beyoncé Knowles as the black power couple the world wasn’t ready for. But we are now. We are here for the culture. We are here for the nostalgia. We are here for the shock, horror and lols that you’ll get from this, the best not-great film of 2009.

Idris Elba is Derek: a hotshot at a big, generic investment company. Charismatic, confident and clean-shaven with a retrospectively disarming American accent. He’s the guy who’ll dance with the older women at the Christmas party. He'll play along with the lads when there’s banter in the air. He'll also have a stream of clients funnelling loads of money into the business at the same time. He’s that guy.

Beyoncé Knowles is Sharon and she is everything. Obviously. She’s intelligent and alluring. Wildly compassionate and someone to think twice before messing with. She’ll fiercely defend her family but not at the expense of her own dignity. Sharon stopped working at the big, generic investment company when she was pregnant with their son, who is maybe a year or two old.

Sharon and Derek have just moved into the house of expensive suburban dreams. They are so in love that, while they wait for the movers to arrive with their furniture, they have sex on the hard wooden floor beneath the unexplained ceiling mirror in their new master bedroom, while the baby chills on his own downstairs. Derek has just had a big promotion at work. Sharon is gearing up to go back to school. The nondescript foundation on which adult dreams are built is laid.

It’s not long before we’re introduced to Lisa (Ali Larter ) – a young, blonde, flirtatious woman with something disconcerting about her intentions. We know she’s here to cause trouble because a) she’s recruited as a temp at Derek’s company, and 'temp' is basically Hollywood career movie code for 'trouble', b) there are lots of contentious and unnecessary close-ups of her thighs throughout, and c) Derek, his boss Joe and colleague Ben have this repulsive exchange within moments of her arrival:

Joe: Who’s legs are those? I don’t think I’ve ever seen them before.
Derek: I think she’s the new temp.
Ben: I think you mean temptress!
Joe: Always nice to have a pretty girl around the office, isn’t it boys? Derek married the last eye candy we had and took her off the market.

Sigh, groan and then predict what happens next. Did you guess that Lisa would take a shine to Derek, try it on with him and then compulsively stalk him before eventually trying to destroy his marriage and take Sharon’s place in the family portrait? Bingo. Lisa is the woman 'obsessed'. She convinces herself that she and Derek are in a relationship, follows him on a work trip and emails him unsolicited "Happy New Year" photos wearing inexplicable pearls and a grey trilby à la Britney Spears 2007. Derek swats her away, the police are eventually involved and all seems a little calmer in the world. Just when you think she's gone, that it's safe to reinvest in the Beyoncé-Idris/Sharon-Derek dynamic, there Lisa is, cutting Sharon's head out of the family portrait.

It's laughable and tragic and so much more. Save for the deep-rooted misogyny and wider wildness of the entire narrative, what unfolds is a gloriously clichéd drama-thriller about a woman unhealthily fixated on a handsome married man. Depressingly typical, I know. And it all ends in a girl-on-girl fight scene, obvs, Lisa wearing nothing more than underpants and one of Derek's T-shirts, Sharon in the classic late '00s combination of white T-shirt, fitted waistcoat, jeans and thigh-high boots.

There are few films and TV series in this world that really harness the culture of our time. The type of production that fills Twitter with hyperbolic commentary ("I’m Dead. That scene literally Gave. Me. Life!") and WhatsApp with rows upon rows of clap, flame and prayer hands emoji. Had social media progressed this far back in 2009, Obsessed would have received such accolades. It captures the same soap opera ridiculousness that shows like Scandal teetered around so unapologetically. It harnesses the marital drama of hundreds of familiar films but places a couple of colour in the centre of it. It borrows the majority of the Fatal Attraction narrative and gives us post- Dreamgirls Beyoncé in the process.

Obsessed has flaws aplenty. That was never going to be a surprise, revisiting a beloved film after a decade of societal progress and social media accountability. But what we have here is an under-celebrated cult classic starring two of the biggest, most respected celebrities in the world. There's a scene where Idris Elba shoots finger guns, for crying out loud! It's a compulsive film that I imagine queen Bey and 'hottest man of the year' Idris have purposely left buried in the depths of IMDb. But on its anniversary I say it should be resurrected. It requires friends, wine and popcorn. Commentate, marvel and reconsider Beyoncé's leopard print waist belt. Watch the trailer, and then the full film on YouTube. Though you'll probably look at 2009 a little differently, I promise you won't regret it.

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Welcome to Money Diaries, where we're tackling what might be the last taboo facing modern working women: money. We're asking a cross-section of women how they spend their hard-earned money during a seven-day period – and we're tracking every last penny.

This week: "I live in London and I share my family home with my two siblings who are 25 and 18. We simply split the bills 50% (me), 45% (sister) and 5% (brother). Our parents have migrated back to Africa so visit us once every 1-2 years.

I’ve recently had a promotion (yay!) and I’m now a band 8A nurse in the NHS. My starting salary in this band is £49,077. I’ve opted out of the pension as it’s not a priority for me at the moment. I also have flexible bonds with two companies which I treat as pension planning. I paid off my consumer debt last year and I am now trying with all my will to save. I’m gradually learning to budget in line with my goals. I turn 29 this year and I’m the only one of all my siblings who has never seen the benefit of moving out of home. My boyfriend and I want to buy a house in London next year so we are saving as we both navigate through these times."

Industry: NHS
Age: 28
Location: London
Salary: £49,077
Paycheque amount: £3,084 (opted out of the NHS pension scheme)
Number of housemates: Two (sister, 25, and brother, 18)

Monthly Expenses

Housing costs: £500 mortgage (I share our family home with my siblings).
Loan payments: £0
Utilities: £0 as all the bills are paid for between my siblings in a sister (45%) brother (5%) divide.
Transportation: £120 TfL Oyster pay as you go. £60 to fill up my 1.4l VW Beetle for the month.
Phone bill: £20 EE rolling contract.
Savings? Investment ISAs £400, house deposit £1,000-£1,750 (depends on outgoings).
Other: Car insurance £59.22, nursing union £16.40, swing class £40 once a fortnight.

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It was a murder that horrified the nation in 1999 – the BBC TV presenter Jill Dando, who was one of the broadcaster's most recognisable faces at the time, was shot dead on her west London doorstep. Two decades later the case remains unsolved.

Tonight, to mark the 20th anniversary of the journalist's death, the BBC will air a one-off hourlong documentary exploring her high-profile killing.

The Murder of Jill Dando airs at 9pm on BBC One and contains never-before-seen material related to the investigation, which turned into one of the Metropolitan Police's biggest ever. If you were a child of the '90s, you may remember seeing Dando's face all over the news even more often after her untimely death at just 37 years of age.

Who was Dando?

Jill Dando was a popular national journalist, newsreader and presenter of some of the BBC's flagship shows in the '90s, including the Breakfast News, the Six O'Clock News and Crimewatch (which would later reconstruct her murder in a bid to help police find her killer). She was engaged to gynaecologist, Alan Farthing at the time of her killing, with the pair due to be married later that year.

She was shot in the head on her doorstep in Fulham, west London, at 11.30am on 26th April 1999, and her murder "reverberated across the country," as the BBC describes, "from the millions of television viewers used to seeing Jill in their living rooms, all the way up to the heart of government – even Her Majesty the Queen commented on Jill’s death."

Who's involved in the documentary?

People who were close to Dando, including her family, friends and colleagues, as well as professionals intimately involved in the case. Dando's brother Nigel, a journalist who reportedly heard his younger sister had been murdered from a TV news bulletin, and her cousin Judith, both feature in the documentary, with Nigel saying he doesn't believe he will ever know who killed Jill. "It is disappointing but…I don’t blame the police at all, when you see the maze of material they had to deal with and the decisions they had to take," he tells interviewers.

Dando's former colleagues, Jennie Bond and Martyn Lewis also feature. Bond, who was tasked with announcing her colleague's death on live TV at the time, tells the programme that the case "makes [her] blood run cold even now, it's just awful."

Viewers will also learn how BBC Director General Tony Hall, who was the corporation's head of news in 1999, received three death threats over the phone in the weeks following Dando's killing. "I listened to the voice of one of them, which said basically, I was next," Hall tells the programme, adding that he had "no idea" how credible the threat was. "There are often copycat things that happen after these sorts of events, and the police took it seriously."

Also interviewed is Hamish Campbell, a senior investigating officer on the case, who admits it is unlikely ever to be solved. "Do I think somebody will come back to court, probably not. [Will somebody new come to court?] No... no," he tells the documentary. Campbell also gives an insight into the day-to-day goings-on of the investigation. "Sometimes I felt we were a day away from solving it and other times, I thought 'no, we're a long way away'," he says.

Why does the case remain unsolved?

A local man named Barry George was arrested in 2000 and convicted of Dando's murder in July 2001. He spent eight years in prison before being acquitted at a retrial in August 2008. The jury at George's retrial admitted that key evidence that detectives had relied on – one particle of gunshot residue in a coat pocket retrieved from George's house – wasn't enough to place him at the murder scene.

More than 2,000 people were named as potential suspects at the time. To this day, theories abound as to who murdered Dando, including the belief that she was killed by the IRA, while others imply that she was targeted because of her job on the BBC's crime programme Crimewatch, which aimed to help the police catch criminals.

The Murder of Jill Dando airs at 9pm on Tuesday 2nd April and will be available on BBC iPlayer afterwards.

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One of the first lessons they teach you in journalism school: "If your mother says she loves you, check it out." The memorable adage is a reminder to never take anything at face value without first verifying it yourself. Honestly, it's not something I've ever had an issue with before: I'm plenty skeptical, thank you very much. So when tasked to test every product in the extensive First Aid Beauty line, I knew there would be some winners, some losers, and many downright forgettables — it's the natural order of things, right?

I was very wrong. Because with just about every cleanser, moisturiser, mask, eye cream, and serum I tried, I came to just about the same impossible conclusion: It's really good. (Also, why doesn't this cost more?) For the most part, the formulas are gentle, but feel like they're doing something. Retinols and alpha-hydroxy acid resurfacers didn't make my skin feel prickly or look red — and nearly everything in the line rings in at under £30.

Overall, my month and a half of testing nearly 35 products proved overwhelmingly positive. Ahead, see which products saved my skin post-girl's trip trip, which were added to my gym bag, and the few that didn't make the cut.

Refinery29's selection is purely editorial and independently chosen – we only feature items we love! As part of our business model we do work with affiliates; if you directly purchase something from a link on this article, we may earn a small amount of commission. Transparency is important to us at Refinery29, if you have any questions please reach out to us.

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The messy bun is the unsung hero of all hairstyles. Sure, we've been double-tapping undone waves and blunt bobs on Instagram, but when we want to leave the house looking like a decent human without putting much work in, the messy bun always saves the day. If you’re short on time (or just lazy), you don't grab the curling wand to meticulously put in some "effortless" waves. No, you toss your hair into a topknot and go about your business.

One caveat: Although the name "messy bun" implies that the style should look accidentally perfect, there's an art to creating a topknot that's got cool-girl carelessness. Ahead, we've rounded up some bun-spiration that strikes that delicate balance between trying too hard and not trying at all. And each one of these styles should take you 10 minutes, tops.

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If you've spent several years' worth of Sunday nights parked in front of the TV watching Game of Thrones, at some point you're going to want something to show for that near-decade of dedication — whether that's making your apartment the go-to spot for watch parties or going the extra mile and finally getting that House Stark tattoo.

But if you're looking to pay homage to all those hour-long episodes you sat through with your heart in your throat hoping your favourite character wasn't about to meet their untimely end, in a way that doesn't involve permanent body art or decorating your house with (surprisingly expensive) sigils bought online, that's where nail art comes in.

You can subtly celebrate the iconic series with a simple design or go with a more obvious tribute — the possibilities are endless, and temporary, so you can shift allegiances to the winning team on a weekly basis if you see fit. We've rounded up some of the best designs or honouring GoT, for all the inspiration you need to show your fandom on your hands before, during, or even after someone has ultimately taken the Iron Throne.

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This is your seasonal reminder to READ A BOOK. Sorry, I don’t mean to yell. The all-caps are as much for me as they are for you. With Peak TV season being all-year round, blockbuster movies coming in hot every weekend, and an inevitable backlog of podcast recommendations to listen to, there are plenty of forms of entertainment to distract us from all the captivating books that are already making 2019 a great year in literature.

From thrilling debut novels to necessary non-fiction, these are the books that will make you want to sit on a park bench on a warm spring day (those are coming, right?) and read all afternoon like you’re a protagonist in a rom-com. Don’t worry, I’ve got you covered on the literary romance front, too. It is spring after all.

Here are my picks for the must-read books of the season.

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Can there be a Joker after The Dark Knight? That's the question that's been on fans' minds since news dropped that Joaquin Phoenix would be portraying the sinister figure in a new origin story from DC. And, judging from the first teaser trailer, the answer appears to be...yes.

The clip released today for Joker, which hits cinemas on 4th October, shows the demonic clown as a shy victim of bullying, long before his transformation into Gotham's most feared villain. We hear from Arthur, the Joker's real name, in the teaser's first scene. Asked by a medical professional if it helps to talk about his feelings, he doesn't answer — but judging by the rest of it, I'd say, no ma'am it does not.

Arthur tells us that his mother always told him that his purpose in life was to bring laughter and joy to the world which is why he is a clown and stand-up comedian, but, from the looks of these clips, that calling was deemed impossible due to the a number of men bullying the meek Arthur. And then, shades of the Joker we know, most famously portrayed by the late Heath Ledger (who won a posthumous Oscar for his portrayal of the character), and Jack Nicholson in the 1989 version opposite Michael Keaton's Batman. But, unlike those versions of the story, Joker doesn't have a raspy-voiced billionaire superhero waiting in the wings to swoop in and save Gotham. There's just Arthur, a stand-up comedian turned Joker, and it's dark and twisted as hell.

The film also stars Zazie Beetz, Brian Tyree Henry, Robert de Niro, and Marc Maron. Check out the teaser trailer below. (A fun game is to imagine Leonardo DiCaprio in the role, as he was initially rumoured to take on the Joker with Martin Scorsese.)

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Every year, as swimsuit brand after swimsuit brand releases their spring collections, we wait patiently for the one that matters most: Zara. But in true Zara fashion, the retailer always keeps us on our toes, hiding their long-awaited beachwear until the moment we least expect it. Last spring, they threw us for a loop by launching a 15-piece collection of polka dot bikinis and woven sandals on their sister site, Zara Home. And this year, they took us by surprise again, releasing their latest offering without as much as a hint.

This week, Zara quietly launched their spring/summer beachwear collection, one stacked full of cut-out one-pieces and leopard print bikinis. And the best part? Every single piece is priced under £50 (with every swimsuit costing less than £30 and bikinis under £35). Whether you have an Easter weekend holiday in the works or you're looking for a swimsuit you can wear as a top, we’re betting you'll find something you love in Zara's brand-spanking-new swimwear collection.

At Refinery29, we’re here to help you navigate this overwhelming world of stuff. All of our market picks are independently selected and curated by the editorial team. If you buy something we link to on our site, Refinery29 may earn commission.

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This is an excerpt from the new book Maybe You Should Talk To Someone: A Therapist, Her Therapist, And Our Lives Revealed by Lori Gottlieb. Published with permission from Houghton Mifflin Harcourt.

Chart Note, Charlotte: Patient, age 25, reports feeling “anxious” for the past few months, though nothing of note has recently occurred. States that she is “bored” at her job. Describes difficulty with parents and a busy social life but no history of significant romantic relationships. Reports that to relax, she drinks “a couple glasses of wine” nightly.

“You’re going to kill me,” Charlotte says as she saunters in and slowly settles herself into the oversize chair diagonally to my right, arranges a pillow on her lap, then tosses the throw blanket over it. She has never sat on the couch, not even at the first session, instead making the chair her throne. As usual, she takes her belongings out of her bag, one by one, unpacking for her fifty-minute stay. On the left arm of the chair, she places her phone and pedometer; on the right, her water bottle and sunglasses.

Today she’s wearing blush and lipstick, and I know what that means: she’s been flirting again with the guy in the waiting room.

Our suite has a large reception area where patients wait to be seen. Leaving their appointments is more private — there’s an exit through an interior corridor that leads to the building’s hallway. Patients generally keep to themselves in the waiting room — but Charlotte has something going on.

The Dude, as Charlotte calls the object of her flirtation (neither of us knows his name), is my colleague Mike’s patient, and he and Charlotte have their sessions at the same time. According to Charlotte, the first time the Dude showed up, they noticed each other immediately, stealing glances over their respective phones. This went on for weeks, and after their sessions, which also ended at the same time, they’d exit through the interior door only to steal more glances at each other in the elevator before going their separate ways.

Finally, one day, Charlotte came in with news.

“The Dude just talked to me!” she whispered, as if the Dude could hear her through the walls.

“What did he say?” I asked.

“He said, ‘So, what’s your issue?’”

Great line, I thought, impressed despite its cheesiness.

“So here’s the part where you’re going to kill me,” she said that day. She took a big breath, but I’d heard this refrain before. If Charlotte drank too much the previous week, she’d open the session with “You’re going to kill me.” If she’d hooked up with a guy and regretted it (as happened often), she’d open with “You’re going to kill me.” I was even going to kill her when she put off researching graduate-school options and missed the application deadlines. We’d talked before about how underneath the projection was a deep sense of shame.

“Okay, you don’t want to kill me,” she conceded. “But, ugh. I didn’t know what to say, so I froze. I completely ignored him and pretended to text. God, I hate myself.”

I imagined the Dude at that very moment sitting in my colleague’s therapy room just a few doors away and recounting the same incident: I finally spoke to that girl in the waiting room, and she completely rejected me. Ugh! I sounded like an idiot. God, I hate myself.

Still, the next week, the flirtation continued. When the Dude walked into the waiting room, Charlotte told me, she opened with a line she’d been rehearsing all week.

“You want to know what my issue is?”Charlotte asked him. “I freeze when strangers in waiting rooms ask me questions.” That made the Dude laugh, and they were both laughing when I opened the door to greet Charlotte.

Upon seeing me, the Dude blushed. Guilty? I wondered.

As we walked toward my office, Charlotte and I passed Mike, who was approaching to collect the Dude. Mike and I met each other’s eyes then immediately looked away. Yup, I thought. The Dude has told him about Charlotte too.

By the following week, the waiting-room banter was in full swing. Charlotte told me that she asked the Dude his name, and he replied, “I can’t tell you.”

“Why not?” she asked.

“Everything in here is confidential,” he said.

“Okay, Confidential,” she shot back. “My name’s Charlotte. I’m going to go talk about you with my therapist now.”

“Hope you get your money’s worth,” he said with a sexy grin.

I’d seen the Dude a few times, and Charlotte was right, he had a killer smile. And while I didn’t know the first thing about him, something in me sensed danger for Charlotte. Given her history with men, I had a feeling the whole thing would end badly — and two weeks later, Charlotte walked in with an update. The Dude had come to his session with a woman.

Of course, I thought. Unavailable. Just Charlotte’s type. Charlotte, in fact, had used that same expression every time she mentioned the Dude. He’s so my type.

Why would people do this to themselves? Because the pull toward that feeling of “home” makes what they want as adults hard to disentangle from what they experienced as children.

What most people mean by type is a sense of attraction — a type of physical appearance or a type of personality turns them on. But what underlies a person’s type, in fact, is a sense of familiarity. It’s no coincidence that people who had angry parents often end up choosing angry partners, that those with alcoholic parents are frequently drawn to partners who drink quite a bit, or that those who had withdrawn or critical parents find themselves married to spouses who are withdrawn or critical.

Why would people do this to themselves? Because the pull toward that feeling of “home” makes what they want as adults hard to disentangle from what they experienced as children. They have an uncanny attraction to people who share the characteristics of a parent who in some way hurt them. In the beginning of a relationship, these characteristics will be barely perceptible, but the unconscious has a finely tuned radar system inaccessible to the conscious mind. It’s not that people want to get hurt again. It’s that they want to master a situation in which they felt helpless as children. Freud called this “repetition compulsion.” Maybe this time, the unconscious imagines, I can go back and heal that wound from long ago by engaging with somebody familiar — but new. The only problem is, by choosing familiar partners, people guarantee the opposite result: they reopen the wounds and feel even more inadequate and unlovable.

This happens completely outside of awareness. Charlotte, for instance, said that she wanted a reliable boyfriend capable of intimacy, but every time she met somebody who was her type, chaos and frustration ensued. Conversely, after a recent date with a guy who seemed to possess many of the qualities she said she wanted in a partner, she came to therapy and re- ported: “It’s too bad, but there just wasn’t any chemistry.” To her unconscious, his emotional stability felt too foreign.

The therapist Terry Real described our well-worn behaviours as “our internalised family of origin. It’s our repertoire of relational themes.” People don’t have to tell you their stories with words because they always act them out for you. Often they project negative expectations onto the therapist, but if the therapist doesn’t meet those negative expectations, this “corrective emotional experience” with a reliable and benevolent person changes the patients; the world, they learn, turns out not to be their family of origin. If Charlotte works through her complicated feelings toward her parents with me, she’ll find herself increasingly attracted to a different type, one that might give her the un familiar experience she’s seeking with a compassionate, reliable, and mature partner. Until then, every time she meets an available guy who might love her back, her unconscious rejects his stability as “not interesting.” She still equates feeling loved not with peace or joy but with anxiety.

And so it goes. Same guy, different name, same outcome.

“Did you see her?” Charlotte asked, referring to the woman who came to therapy with the Dude. “She must be his girlfriend.”

In the quick peek I’d gotten of the two of them, they were sitting in adjoining chairs but not interacting in any way. Like the Dude, the young woman was tall with thick dark hair. She could be his sister, I thought, coming with him for family therapy. But Charlotte was probably right; more likely she was the girlfriend.

And now, in today’s session — two months after the Dude’s girlfriend became a fixture in the waiting room — Charlotte has pronounced again that I’m going to kill her. I run through the possibilities in my mind, the first of which is that she slept with the Dude, despite the girlfriend. I imagine the girlfriend and the Dude sitting in the waiting room with Charlotte, the girlfriend unaware that Charlotte has slept with her boyfriend. I imagine the girlfriend gradually getting wise to this and dumping the Dude, leaving Charlotte and the Dude free to become a couple. Then I imagine Charlotte doing what she does in relationships (avoiding intimacy) and the Dude doing whatever he does in relationships (only Mike knows), and the whole thing blowing up in a spectacular fashion.

But I’m wrong. Today Charlotte believes that I’m going to kill her because as she was leaving her finance job last night to head out for her very first Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, some coworkers invited her to join them for drinks and she said yes, because she thought it would be a good networking opportunity. Then she tells me, without a trace of irony, that she drank too much because she was upset with herself for not going to the AA meeting.

“God,” she says. “I hate myself.”

I was once told by a supervisor that every therapist has the experience of seeing a patient with whom the similarities are so striking that this person feels like your doppelgänger. When Charlotte walked into my office, I knew she was that patient — almost. She was the twin of my 20-year-old self.

It wasn’t just that we looked alike and had similar reading habits, mannerisms, and default ways of thinking (over- and negative). Charlotte came to me three years after she had graduated from college, and while everything looked good on the outside — she had friends and a respectable job; she paid her own bills — she was also unsure of her career direction, conflicted about her parents, and generally lost. Granted, I didn’t drink too much or sleep with random people, but I’d moved through that decade just as blindly.

I’ve had to be extra-vigilant in our sessions, making sure that I’m seeing Charlotte as a separate person and not as a younger version of myself that I can go back and fix.

It may seem logical that if you identify with a patient, it will make the work easier because you intuitively understand her, but in many ways, this kind of identification makes things harder. I’ve had to be extra-vigilant in our sessions, making sure that I’m seeing Charlotte as a separate person and not as a younger version of myself that I can go back and fix. More so than with other patients, I’ve had to resist the temptation to jump in and set her straight too quickly when she plops down in her chair, tells a meandering anecdote, and finishes with a demand couched in a question: “Isn’t my manager unreasonable? ” “Can you believe my roommate said that?”

At 25, though, Charlotte has pain but not significant regret. Unlike me, she hasn’t had a midlife reckoning. She has the gift of time, if she uses it wisely.

Charlotte didn’t think she had an addiction when she first entered treatment for depression and anxiety. She drank, she insisted, only “a couple of glasses” of wine each night “to relax.” (I immediately applied the standard therapeutic calculation used when somebody seems defensive about drug or alcohol use: whatever the total reported, double it.)

Eventually I learned that Charlotte’s nightly alcohol consumption averaged three-quarters of a bottle of wine, sometimes preceded by a cocktail (or two). She said that she never drank during the day (“except on weekends,” she added, “because hashtag brunch”) and rarely appeared drunk to others, having developed a tolerance over the years — but she did sometimes have trouble recalling events and details the day after drinking.

Still, she believed there was nothing unusual about her “social drinking” and she obsessed about her “real” addiction, the one that increasingly plagued her the longer she stayed in therapy: me. If she could, she said, she’d come to therapy every day.

Each week after I’d indicate that our time was up, Charlotte would sigh dramatically and exclaim with surprise, “Really? Are you serious? ” Then, very slowly, while I stood at the open door, she’d gather her scattered belongings one by one — sunglasses, cell phone, water bottle, hair band — frequently leaving behind something that she’d have to come back for later.

“ See, ” she’d say when I’d suggest that her leaving items behind was her way of not leaving her session. “I’m addicted to therapy.” She’d use the generic term therapy rather than the more personal you.

But as much as she disliked leaving, therapy was the perfect setup for somebody like Charlotte, a person who craved connection but also avoided it. Our relationship was the ideal combination of intimacy and distance; she could get close to me but not too close because at the end of the hour, whether she liked it or not, she went home. During the week, too, she could get close but not too close, emailing me articles she read or one-liners about something that had happened between sessions ( My mom called and acted crazy, and I didn’t yell at her), or photos of various things she found amusing (a license plate that read 4evJUNG — not taken, I hoped, while she was inebriated behind the wheel).

If I tried to talk about these things during our sessions, Charlotte would brush them off. “Oh, I just thought it was funny,” she said about the license plate. When she sent an article on an epidemic of loneliness among her age group, I asked about its resonance for her. “Nothing, re- ally,” she replied with a perplexed look on her face. “I just thought it was culturally interesting.”

Of course, patients think about their therapists between sessions all the time, but for Charlotte, keeping me in mind felt less like a stable connection and more like a loss of control. What if she relied on me too much?

To deal with that fear, she’d already left our therapy and returned twice, always struggling to stay away from what she called her fix. Each time, she quit without notice.

The first time, she announced in session that she “needed to quit and the only way I’ll do it is if I leave quickly.” Then she literally got up and bolted from the room. (I’d known something was up when she hadn’t unpacked the contents of her bag onto the armrests and left the blanket draped over the chair.) Two months later, she asked if she could come back “for one session” to discuss an issue with her cousin, but when she arrived, it was apparent that her depression had returned, so she stayed for three months. Just as she started feeling better and began to make some positive changes, an hour before her session, she sent me an email explaining that once and for all, she needed to quit.

Therapy, that is. The drinking continued.

Then one night Charlotte was driving home from a birthday party and crashed into a pole. She called me the next morning, after the police had issued her a DUI.

“I didn’t see it at all,” she told me after she arrived wearing a cast. “And I don’t just mean the pole.” Her car had been totalled but, miraculously, she’d ended up with just a broken arm.

“Maybe,” she said, for the first time, “I have a drinking problem, not a therapist problem.”

But she was still drinking a year later, when she met the Dude.

Maybe You Should Talk To Someone: A Therapist, Her Therapist, And Our Lives Revealed by Lori Gottlieb. Published with permission from Houghton Mifflin Harcourt.

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Busy Philipps got her start playing a plucky college freshman on Dawson's Creek , but in the years since, she's become better known for her unfiltered approach to celebrity and her refreshingly candid social-media presence. From her days on The WB to hosting her own late-night talkshow, Busy Tonight , Philipps has seen it all in Hollywood — and then some. Here, the new face of Olay opens up to Refinery29 about her approach to beauty and style, her favourite products of all-time, and the pressure of being a strong female role model in the male-dominated industry of late-night TV. The following interview was told to Megan Decker and edited for length and clarity.

As far as beauty, how has your look evolved from when you were working as an actor to your new role: a talk-show host where you’re playing yourself , not a scripted character?
It’s a cool and unique process to get my "look" for each show. I have a full team — Erica Cloud who styles me, Kindra Mann who does my makeup, and Kristin Heitkotter who does my hair — and we think of every show as if I'm playing a different character. We think about the fashion, and how the makeup and hair should complement the style and the vibe. It’s really an extension of myself — just playing dress-up. I’ve always loved expressing myself that way in my real life, and so it only made sense that it'd be a form of that creativity on my show, too.

A post shared by ✨KINDRA MANN✨ (@kmannmakeup) on Feb 26, 2019 at 2:09pm PST

How does your glam on the show differ from your everyday beauty routine?
I’m not a woman who wears foundation or powder off camera; I’m definitely into very natural skin. I’ll do a toner and then some moisturiser over that — right now, that’s the Olay Regenerist one — and that's pretty much my everyday face. Maybe I’ll use a highlighter shimmer situation on my eyelids if I’m feeling it. I actually have light blonde eyelashes and I’m not really down for eyelash extensions, so I just like to curl my lashes and use mascara.

How do you approach switching up your look from show to show?
When I started my show, it was important to lean into the fact that I’m a female voice in late-night TV. It’s an industry that’s dominated by men, and has been for the entire history of television. So conceptually, when we thought about the show — myself, Tina Fey, and the show runners — it was important for us that I project the purest form of myself, without ever losing touch with my femininity and the aspects of my femininity that make me, me.

We start every show from scratch, starting with who's coming on as my guest, and my writers and producers and I design how we want that show to look. We think about the topics we’re going to talk about, the bits we’re going to do, and then Kristina and Kendra and I build the beauty look from there. So every night's a little different, with lots of moving parts.

What are the beauty products you can’t live without?
It’s stupid expensive and makes me feel out of touch to even say this, but I love Kérastase. I’m obsessed with the Nutritive Lait Vital Conditioner, and I will always splurge on that bottle. I’ve been using both the shampoo and conditioner for years, and that brand is probably the thing that I love the most in terms of beauty. I have super-sensitive skin, and my hair products can mess with it, but the formula never causes breakouts — I’m just fiercely loyal, and will use that line until it gets discontinued.

You’ve spoken about directors asking you to cover your moles or hide them with makeup. Do you still have experiences with that today?
No, not at all. I’m my own boss, so I would never put up with being shamed for my skin, like I was early in my career. Actually, one of the reasons I was appealing to Olay as a partner is because of my skin and of the experiences I’ve had with my moles. It’s an empowering, full-circle moment for me in my career. My skin is one of the things that I was told to make less than myself, and now this iconic brand is tell me that they love my natural skin — that's amazing.

Now, I’m savvier and older, and I have more agency in my career, so I have less of a desire to fit into anyone else’s idea of what is "beautiful." It's still somewhat of a struggle; I still have to make it clear when I do photoshoots that I don’t want any retouching done to remove any of my beauty marks or moles. We should all be celebrating and protecting our skin.

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I got my first pair of Converse for my 13th birthday. They were light purple (the official colour name was 'grape') and we had to travel by hovercraft to get them (I grew up on the Isle of Wight, and the closest shop that sold them was in Portsmouth). It’s no exaggeration to say that these trainers have shaped my personal style, even to this day; I loved them so much that I still have them, although they are now a size too small for me to wear.

There’s something eternally cool about a pair of Converse Chuck Taylor All Stars. Worn by everyone from actual basketball players to musicians including Kurt Cobain, Rihanna and Paul McCartney. They suit literally everyone, but even better, they suit every trend going, too. Such a classic design works brilliantly with a minimalist’s wardrobe – I’ve always thought they look great with tailored trouser suits – but equally, their simplicity lends itself to the bright colours and prints preferred by someone with more of a peacock style. They can even take a designer collaboration or two; my personal favourites are the recent chunky soled versions from JW Anderson. So how should you wear them this season? Here are three of the most current options as worn by some of the hottest movers and shakers in the creative industry.

Crochet

Humble and artisanal fabrics - crochet in particular - is a huge trend that has trickled down from the catwalks for this summer. This versatile fabric looks as brilliant when woven in bright rainbow colours as it does in natural beige or cream, so it will fit your aesthetic whether you are a sartorial minimalist or a wardrobe extravert, like me.And, since it’s not always the easiest thing to wear on your body, what better place to wear crochet this season than on your feet? Converse’s new Crochet Chuck Taylors are ideal, especially for summer; there’s nothing worse than sweaty feet and that light, aerated material will let your them breathe, while keeping that cool sneakers look you love so much intact. I’ll be wearing mine at festivals with long summer dresses and a straw bag.

Wild Pack

If you’ve been on the high street recently, it won’t have escaped your notice that animal print is big news right now (yes, I know it always is, but it’s even more popular than usual). But if top-to-toe safari vibes aren’t your thing, the easiest place to introduce it is on your feet. It means you can tone down the rest of your outfit and still feel like you, while nodding to the trend in a subtle way.Luckily, Converse has all bases covered, with snake, zebra and cheetah all adorning its classic styles for summer 2019. They are a brilliant way of pepping up a simple look, like a khaki jumpsuit or jeans and a simple tee. If you fancy clashing your patterns, avoid another animal print and look instead to spots or stripes, because let’s face it, leopard and Breton are basically neutrals anyway.

Colour Up

My favourite colours when I got that first pair of Converse – purple and yellow – remain a big draw for me, and just so happen to be bang on trend this season, too. Lavender, lilac and dusky pink are the perfect backdrop for a pop of sunny lemon, so try purple trousers with sunflower sneakers, or vice versa. Or opt for a tonal look throughout your outfit, with slightly different shades of the same colour.

I’m particularly taken with Converse's new Seasonal Colour collection this season. I love the sporty band at the back of the ankle that looks a bit like a sweatband (these were actually inspired by retro athletic socks), and the fuzzy felt upper in place of traditional canvas feels as good as it looks.

Maximum Monochrome

Simple black or white will always be the most rock 'n' roll way to wear your Cons; pretty much everyone who’s ever picked up a guitar has been spotted with a pair of these on their feet, from Elvis to Gwen Stefani. Their appeal lies in their simplicity, because nothing looks better with skinny jeans and a leather biker jacket than a pair of black or white All Stars. They’re also the ideal partner for whatever print takes your fancy: camouflage, florals, tartan or gingham.

This season, Converse's 'Lift' range takes the All Star quite literally to a new level; with its chunky flatform sole it will give you a bit of extra height without having to resort to heels or a wedge. Pick a white pair, and they’re perfect to wear with either this season’s trend for oversized prairie dresses, or teamed with camo trousers à la the Yarza Twins. Nothing says cool girl quite like these kicks.

Shop Converse here

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Nail art has come a long way since a toothpick-dotted flower made your middle school dance outfit feel extra special. Now most salons feature at least some sort of design option — a simple dot of glitter at the cuticle or a half dip — if not an entire menu of colour-coordinated choices. Nail art is officially mainstream, but that doesn't mean it has to be predictable.

This spring 's coolest looks are restoring that special feeling with unique trends that are pretty, wearable, and most importantly, fresh. From a new spin on florals to unexpectedly chic and cow prints and spots (courtesy of Kendall Jenner and Ariana Grande, respectively), we've rounded up the breakout nail art looks that you're about to see everywhere, ahead. Scroll through and find the manicure you love.

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Once you've snagged your tickets to this year's hottest music festival, it's time to plan. And even though we know the responsible thing to do is map out the flight, hotel, and logistical details first — you know, be an actual adult — the first thing to run across our minds is: What will we do with our hair and makeup?

As far as hair goes, the possibilities are endless. Flower crowns and glitter are both a given, but those aren't your only options. You can get creative with braids or wigs, and if you're thinking about playing with rainbow hair colour, there's no better time than before hitting the fields of Coachella. There are also other things to consider when picking out your hairstyle, like longevity. Will it last through a day of dancing in the desert?

Ahead, we rounded up a few festival-approved styles to save to your mood board. Once you've picked your favourite, you can get on to planning important stuff — like where you'll sleep once the party is over...

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Miuccia Prada debuted Miu Miu's spring 2019 collection last October, and it featured "E-Miu-ticons" or pieces designed to “reinvigorate the dialogue between Miu Miu, Paris, and its inhabitants,” according to press materials from the brand. But the videos created as part of an installation for the set of our spring show for the collection features an item that some consider culturally insensitive.

In a video accompanying the handbags and jewellery, two models are shown, side by side, wearing what appear to be either wave or wig caps — an item typically worn by Black people to protect their hair and one that many have been shamed for wearing in public. It didn't take long before people began discussing it on social media. The thinking goes: Now that non-black models are wearing this cap in a high fashion campaign, is it suddenly considered socially acceptable?

“The thing that’s most annoying about this Miu Miu ad with sis wearing a wave/wig cap is: Prada just announced that Diversity & Inclusion advisor board. Shouldn’t they have ADVISED on the nuance of this?” one user tweeted. Another replied, “Oh thank God! it’s not just me, the whole time I was staring at it like...why?”

According to the brand's website, “these [e-miu-ticons] – an expression of a Miu attitude, perhaps – may be found printed and patched across everything from iconic bags to small accessories, from baseball caps to a capsule collection of clothing including signature cardigans, miniskirts, hoodies, track pants, and T-shirts. Juxtaposing irreverence and the finest craftsmanship, femininity and a determinedly free spirit, the offering encapsulates everything the Miu Miu name stands for.” It's unclear how the caps play into that symbolism.

In December, after sister brand Prada pulled its Blackface figurines from its shelves, they announced it would “improve diversity training and will immediately form an Advisory Council to guide our efforts on diversity, inclusion and culture.” Prada also said it would begin to “examine the processes that led to such a product reaching the market in the first place.”

The hard part for Miuccia, as she told WWD in January, is that “people want respect because now there is talk of cultural appropriation, but this is the foundation of fashion, as it has always been the basis of art, of everything.” She says she questioned if she could offend anyone with her latest collection. “I talked about it with the Fondazione [Prada], with the intellectuals, it really is a problem — one would have to set up ‘secret societies’ — otherwise there is no progressive thinking,” the designer continued. “If you are not free to say things that may also not be correct and you have to be careful every time you open your mouth, how can you talk with freedom of thought? This really is a turning point. The world is bigger and I understand this and I also understand that people finally have a voice and speak up.”

Though gatekeepers like Miuccia Prada have made inroads to represent more diversity — in her case, opening a womenswear show with a Black model for the first time in over 10 years, putting The Black Image Corporation on view at Prada's cultural complex, adding the diversity council — many still manage to make missteps like this. It begs the question: with Prada's new preventive process in place to keep culturally insensitive products from happening, how did Miu Miu's wave/wig cap slip through?

We've heard back from Miu Miu have updated this story.

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The first time a man made me feel uncomfortable, I was 12 or 13, that age you are when well-meaning adults start saying you look like a mujercita, a little woman, not a kid anymore. The details of the date and place remain fuzzy, but I remember clearly how a grown man my family knows hugged me a little too hard, held on to me for a little too long, and planted a kiss on my cheek a little too forcefully, to the point that it made me feel like my skin was crawling.

I had never been treated this way, but here I was, a confused mujercita with newly formed curves who still viewed the world with the eyes of a child. Looking back, there was nothing particularly sexual or abusive about the way he held me in front of my family, but it was also an uninvited, clear breach of my personal space. I understood something immediately: These invasions of your space, these small indignities, are the cost of moving through the world as a woman. Being a mujercita is just the beginning.

I've been thinking a lot about this moment, and every other time a man thought of my body as a public space, as women, four of them now, have been coming forward with allegations that former Vice President Joe Biden behaved inappropriately toward them in the past. Former Nevada Democratic politician Lucy Flores broke the silence last week. “I felt him get closer to me from behind. He leaned further in and inhaled my hair. I was mortified,” she wrote in an essay for The Cut. “I thought to myself, ‘I didn’t wash my hair today and the vice-president of the United States is smelling it. And also, what in the actual fuck? Why is the vice-president of the United States smelling my hair? ’ He proceeded to plant a big slow kiss on the back of my head.” Her allegations were followed by a similar account Monday. "It wasn’t sexual, but he did grab me by the head," former congressional aide Amy Lappos told the Hartford Courant. "He put his hand around my neck and pulled me in to rub noses with me. When he was pulling me in, I thought he was going to kiss me on the mouth." On Tuesday, the New York Times reported two more stories; Caitlyn Caruso, a sexual assault survivor, said Biden rested his hand on her thigh even as she signalled she was uncomfortable at an event three years ago. D.J. Hill told the outlet that during a 2012 fundraiser Biden touched her shoulders and then began to drop his hand down her back, until her husband intervened.

All the women who’ve spoken up have emphasised that Biden’s alleged behaviour was neither sexual harassment nor a criminal act. Instead, his actions exist in the realm of transgressions that we’ve come to see as ordinary, as rites of passage for women in the vein of the “boys will be boys” narrative that persists in society. What these women have said, however, is that his alleged actions made them feel demeaned and helpless because of the obvious imbalance of power. When these incidents took place, Biden was a longtime politician and at the time, the second-most powerful man in the US.

In his first statement issued Sunday, Biden stressed he didn’t believe he had acted inappropriately, but that he would listen “respectfully” to women’s experiences. He followed up with a video posted on social media Tuesday, framing his interactions as a matter of connecting with people and attributing women's experiences to how "social norms ... have shifted." He said he would be more mindful of people's personal space in the future, but he never apologised to the women who've spoke up. At the same time, his team has aggressively pushed back against the existing collection of photos and videos of Biden behaving questionably throughout the years — from whispering into women's and girls’ ears to kissing them in a similar manner to the way Flores said he kissed her. At no time, however, has Biden called the women liars or denied the incidents took place. For him, it’s a matter of perspective and intention. His defenders say his behaviour boils down to the curse of being someone who is too affectionate. Biden himself doesn’t think he behaved inappropriately, therefore to them, that means he didn’t.

Social norms are changing. I understand that, and I’ve heard what these women are saying. Politics to me has always been about making connections, but I will be more mindful about respecting personal space in the future. That’s my responsibility and I will meet it. pic.twitter.com/Ya2mf5ODts

— Joe Biden (@JoeBiden) April 3, 2019

Hearing these women's experiences, I can’t help but think of all the times when I felt powerless and disgusted by a man’s behaviour in a professional setting — even if I’m pretty sure some of them thought they were behaving in the same paternalistic, old-school way that has made “Uncle Joe” so appealing to many. Take for example when I was a bright-eyed 19-year-old at my first journalism internship and one of my supervisors touched my face and told me I would “look good on TV” while running his thumb across my cheek. This was a radio internship.

If only I had believed at 19 — after being raised on a steady diet of “good girls don’t cause problems,” at my first professional internship, in front of someone who could make or break my career before it had even begun — that it was even an option for me to assert myself and ask of this relative stranger not to touch me again. Instead, I laughed awkwardly, made up an excuse to walk away, and buried the exchange in the box of other creepy encounters I’ve had in my life. I could list similar transgressions that have plagued my life for hours on end: the looking up-and-down at my body before jokingly telling my father to “lock me away” to protect me from prospective suitors during my teenage years; the arm around my waist and the squeeze that followed at networking events; the kisses meant for the cheek but that landed dangerously close to my mouth. Small indignities peppered throughout my everyday life, as normal as breathing.

Biden has approached these women’s experiences with a flippant attitude that is incredibly tone-deaf considering the cultural moment we find ourselves in.

For some, these don’t amount to real violations, the so-called bad kind of misconduct that covers everything from rape to harassment, the kind at the centre of the societal reckoning that has come into focus in the last 18 months. And yet, these types of experiences that we’ve long treated as innocuous colour how women move through the world, especially for those who are already vulnerable and marginalised. It’s worth having an honest conversation — especially since the current occupant of the White House has been accused over and over again of sexual misconduct — about the boundaries men routinely cross without falling into the category society has deemed “truly bad” behaviour.

It’s unclear how much Biden wants to engage with this conversation. Despite the insistence that he’s a champion of women, Biden’s team and by extension, the former vice president himself, have approached the women’s experiences with a flippant attitude that is incredibly tone-deaf considering the cultural moment we find ourselves in. Both of his non-apologies eerily echo the one he gave Anita Hill for the way he treated her after she accused Justice Clarence Thomas of sexual harassment. And according to the New York Times, Biden’s team sent the outlet quotes from nearly two dozen women — all former staffers, power players in politics, and media personalities — “vouching for the former vice president.” The “not the Biden I know” defence flies in the face of decency, particularly after many Democrats raged against the list of women who signed a letter supporting Justice Brett Kavanaugh after he was accused of sexual misconduct.

Biden’s 2020 presidential bid has been all but announced. He will likely forge on, regardless of the allegations against him. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said that while she doesn’t think Biden’s actions are disqualifying, he should understand “people's space is important to them and what's important is how they receive it, not necessarily how you intended it." This understanding is at the heart of the allegations — the women who’ve spoken up deserve to hear him reckon with how his actions made them feel uncomfortable and demeaned. But because the ability to discuss these experiences with nuance has been lost, there’s been fear among many that this type of behaviour is being lumped in with more grave allegations, such as the ones against President Donald Trump or many other men in power who’ve been accused of abusive behaviour.

The potential for weaponisation on the part of bad actors is also high, with groups such as the pro-Trump Great America PAC planning to release a “Creepy Joe Biden” ad. At a time when Democrats are desperate to find someone who can take back the White House, with Biden poised as the frontrunner before even entering the race, some question whether it’s even worth it to discuss his past conduct when there are “more important” issues to focus on. But it’s imperative to understand that harm exists on a spectrum and refusing to ask our elected officials to show empathy and ability to evolve is disappointing behaviour for a party that claims to have the best interests of the American people at heart.

While I don’t think it’s productive to call for Biden’s head and write him off over this conduct — voters should also evaluate him on his record — we need a thoughtful conversation surrounding his lack of self-awareness about how his actions have impacted women and played into the same type of misogyny he has fought against. Legendary feminist activist Gloria Steinem put it best: “Our bodies and voices belong to us — that should be the first step in democracy. Just ask before hugging.” The women who’ve spoken up about their experiences with Biden have underscored this sentiment over and over again. It should not be that complicated. Biden can either choose to be an active participant in this debate or continue to be glib. I wouldn’t be surprised if he chooses the latter, however, because what’s one more indignity to deal with?

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"Last spring, I was in a relationship with a guy for two weeks because I just wanted to say I had a boyfriend and I’d never had one," says Robyn, a 32-year-old jazz musician.

"But once I was in a relationship I realised how much time boyfriends take up. I was relieved when it was over.

"The reason we broke up is that when I am tired, I just want to be on my own. We’d had a plan to meet up over the weekend, but I had a studio session on the Friday and I wanted to go home by myself. He took it very personally that I didn’t want to meet up so I told him I didn’t think it was going to work.

"I feel like I communicated in a clear way and that he pressurised me."

Robyn identifies as a woman with autism. She was diagnosed when she was 11.

Autism is a lifelong condition that affects how people communicate with others and interact with the world around them. Every autistic person is different. Some are able to learn, live and work independently, while others may have learning differences or health conditions that require extra support.

There is no "cure" for autism and it is not yet known exactly why it develops biologically. According to the National Autistic Society, 700,000 people in the UK are autistic, at a ratio of 3:1 men to women.

However, there are common symptoms that people on the autistic spectrum share. These include difficulty sensing and interpreting people’s feelings, and trouble expressing their own. People with autism might take phrases or figures of speech very literally, and have sensitivities to sound, touch, taste, smell or light. Some autistic people like to have a strong sense of routine and rigid boundaries. Others may get hyper-focused or obsessive about certain interests or feelings.

For everyone, dating can be a nerve-racking experience. For autistic women, it can be even more so, as they find interpreting romantic cues, flirting or working out whether someone is attracted to them particularly hard.

"I’ve always struggled with picking up on signals," Erin, 27, says. She works in the charity sector and identifies as a queer autistic writer and activist. "If I like someone I really like them, but I don’t know how to communicate that.

"Some autistic people are really good at dating, but I’ve never had a proper relationship.

"I went for a coffee with one girl I quite liked and told her I’d not really dated anyone before. She said to me: 'Oh, well, that has to change, doesn’t it?'

"She invited me back to hers to 'study'… and we actually did end up doing uni work for the whole time because I just didn’t get that she was flirting with me! I never saw her again. I think she thought I was a bit weird."

As amusing as the missed cues can be in retrospect, not being able to get your feelings across can be upsetting.

"I had strong romantic feelings for a guy at university, but I really didn’t know how to communicate that, and I was very awkward about it," she says. "My heart was broken when I found out he [found] a girlfriend before I was able to tell him.

"I can get quite obsessive, and my whole world became about my feelings for him. I had to come home from Wales to Essex because I was so distraught. And I stayed away from dating, thinking Oh this really hurt. I didn’t think it was something I could deal with."

What made things even more challenging for Erin is that, like many women with autism, she wasn’t diagnosed until much later in her life, at the age of 23. This meant she was unable to access the support she needed to explain some of the isolating experiences she was going through.

"I didn’t really enjoy being a teenager," she says. "I didn’t really understand who I was, what I was feeling, who was attractive, and everyone at school had started dating and going out and I didn’t want to do that. I think I fell in love with my best friend at one point, and I didn’t know what that obsessive feeling was."

There are a number of reasons why women with autism are under-diagnosed. One theory is that women and girls are better at masking their difficulties. Another is that there is a "female autism phenotype" which doesn’t fit the profile usually associated with men and boys with autism. Most assessment tools are based on men with autism, too, and are not always adjusted for assessing women.

Erin fought to get her diagnosis after an autistic friend she’d made on the internet through a mutual fascination with Doctor Who dropped hints that they had a lot more in common than an interest in the Time Lord.

"Getting a diagnosis allowed me to realise who I was and why I did certain things and allowed me to connect with a community that understood.

"It was a really defining moment in my life and one of the best things that has ever happened to me. Life is not always good, but it's led to very good things."

Of course, some of the issues with interpreting intent in others can leave women with conditions like autism particularly vulnerable.

Amy Gravino is an international speaker and autism consultant from New York. "I am a woman on the spectrum myself and I was diagnosed as a child," she says.

Being autistic is like experiencing bits of humanity with the sound turned up.

"All women want to feel loved and validated, but this need is particularly strong for autistic women.

"Many so badly want to fit in that their needs are subverted or forgotten altogether. We often are seen as vehicles of support for other people too. Many men, for example, are used to women caring for them and may assume that is the role of women.

"Low standards and low self-esteem with a high threshold to trust can be a recipe for disaster and heartbreak. And it’s hard to unlearn those things."

It’s something Robyn admits she has found challenging in the past, too.

"Being autistic is like experiencing bits of humanity with the sound turned up," she continues.

"I was so worried about it at first that when I started dating, I regularly had diarrhoea. I was concerned about low level abuse, how someone might manipulate a situation. I find it difficult to know if this person is telling me the truth."

However, in her search for a match, Robyn prefers to cast her net wide.

"I am made up of more than just my neurotype, and when I date, I prefer to match people on interests. I want to be more inclusive [when I’m dating] because I know how it feels to be excluded."

As a result, she uses mainstream apps like Tinder and sites like PlentyOfFish and Match.com to meet people. However, some women with autism prefer to use dating platforms that cater specifically for autistic people and those with learning differences.

Michelle Watson, 40, founded dating site My FavouriteHello following her brother’s diagnosis with Asperger’s. They currently have over 1,000 members – and counting.

"We had our first engagement last week," Michelle tells us. "We’ve had about eight couples request that we cancel their accounts because they’ve had long-term partners, too.

"We match people on communication style, acceptance of change and emotional regulation. We’ve tried to create a comfortable, friendly place. We’re not suggesting in any way that people with autism should only date people with autism."

Lauren, 17, is a volunteer for Dimensions, an organisation supporting people with learning disabilities and autism. She chose to ditch the apps altogether and meet potential matches in real life.

Lauren has been dating a girl called Miley, who she met at college, for about a month.

"It was just kind of a friend that turned into something stronger," she says.

"We haven’t been dating for that long, it’s only been a month so far. Miley hasn’t been diagnosed with autism but she does have cerebral palsy.

"She makes me laugh really easily, she’s really caring… We like the same TV shows, and she has a really sweet personality, and our experience of both having disabilities gives us more in common as well.

"Occasionally I find it hard to speak, and Miley has been learning sign language to communicate with me when I can’t speak. People who are willing to go the extra mile and are really understanding about the difficulties I have – it just makes things one or two steps easier."

Autism and Asperger syndrome are classed as autistic spectrum disorders (ASD). For further information on Autism visit Living With Autism  from the NHS.

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The longer the catalogue of disasters that is Brexit rumbles on, the more fed up, frustrated and downright furious the British public is becoming. We should have left the EU by now, of course, and the ongoing parliamentary deadlock means the saga looks set to continue for some time yet. The petition to revoke Article 50, which went viral in March, crashing the government website and becoming the most popular ever on the e-petitions site, has now amassed six million signatures, while recent polls confirm people's dissatisfaction with the process – and not just among diehard Remainers.

Leave voters are increasingly suffering from Brexit regret ("Bregret"?) and vocalising their buyer's remorse. An eye-opening 80% of Leave voters now believe the government has handled Brexit negotiations badly (almost as many as the 85% of Remainers who share that view), and they're pessimistic about the deal they believe the UK will secure, with 66% of Leave voters thinking the country is heading for a bad deal (even more than the 64% of Remainers who believe this), according to a newly published survey from NatCen Social Research.

Leave voters are also slightly less likely to say they would vote the same way again than Remain voters (82% compared to 86%), and to top it all off, while we can't conclude with certainty that Remain would win if the referendum were to be held again, plenty of polls suggest that a majority would now prefer to remain in the EU, given everything we know. The average of six recent polls (excluding Don't Know answers) puts Remain at 54% and Leave at 46%, the BBC reported last week. Thus, the need for a space for regretful Leave voters to air their ire and disappointment is increasingly urgent.

Remainer Now, which is campaigning for a People's Vote, was founded in December 2017 for this purpose. The group of former Leave voters, "who want to say 'it's ok to change your mind' and that 2016 was a LONG time ago" (as they maintain on their website), has more than 21.3k Twitter followers and has raised over £11k on Crowdfunder to amplify the voices of other "Bregretters" across the country. While it's understandable, given the current quagmire in which Theresa May finds herself, that many Leave voters would be loath to share their stories publicly, others are doing all they can to rectify the impact of their vote on 23rd June 2016.

Emma Jiao-Knuckey, 38, from Southend-on-Sea in Essex, has been a passionate People's Vote campaigner since realising she'd made a huge mistake the morning after the vote. "I was 50:50 [Leave-Remain] during the referendum campaign, but the NHS and frontline service pledge [of £350m a week] on the bus, and thinking we'd stay in the single market swayed me. I have children with severe disabilities and the NHS has played an amazing role in helping them. I wanted to protect them the way they did us."

Needless to say, Jiao-Knuckey, who works as an external contractor for a local university, was bitterly disappointed. "Literally the morning after the vote, Nigel Farage said on Good Morning Britain that the NHS and frontline service pledge was a 'mistake' by Vote Leave. That stung! I felt so scared and cheated."

On top of this, it was witnessing how EU citizens in the UK and Britons in Europe have been treated – "poorly, hastily and they were promised 'unchanged' rights," she says – that prompted Jiao-Knuckey to be vocal about having changed her mind. "Everyone had their own reasons for how they voted and I respect that – but I don't respect the lies and seeing how so many are paying for it."

Jiao-Knuckey says she fully understands Remain voters' anger towards those who voted Leave, explaining that she regularly writes and talks to MPs and peers about being a "Remainer Now", and has demonstrated with campaign groups including Stand of Defiance European Movement (SODEM) outside Westminster. She's also grateful to other pro-Remain groups including In Limbo and Final Say For All, which "let me know it was okay to change my mind, didn't judge me, ensured I didn't feel isolated and helped me channel my upset into positive and peaceful action."

If we were told the facts – what it would be like right now – I’m sure all of us would’ve voted to remain.

It was also the Leave campaign's £350m-a-week for the NHS bus pledge that spurred on Kayleigh White, 31, from Pembrokeshire, Wales, to vote that way – and the ensuing chaos that has made her deeply regret her decision. "Brexit has become a shambles," she tells Refinery29. "Trade and businesses are suffering. Food prices increasing and people are stockpiling food. The government is in complete chaos. We’ve become a laughing stock globally. It’s become a Brexit that I never voted for, I along with many others were sold a lie."

The fact that "medication is now being affected" has only hardened her resolve to spread the word of Remain by writing to the prime minister and her local MP Stephen Crabb, although she believes her pleas have "fallen on deaf ears". White continues: "My father takes a certain type of medication and the manufacturer has run out. I voted to save the NHS and it’s important to my family. If we were told the facts – what it would be like right now – I’m sure all of us would’ve voted to remain."

Brexit, if it means anything, is one of the greatest political scams to be played on our democracy.

Others who wish they'd never voted Leave freely admit to not having understood what they were voting for. "I voted Leave because I believed it was about ‘taking on the elites' by 'taking back control," admits 21-year-old India Soale, from Brighton, East Sussex. "I was also tricked by fear-mongering and propaganda, such as [warnings about] Turkey joining the EU or the EU becoming a federal state." For her, ultimately, "feeling won over fact" and she believes the Remain campaign failed to capture people's imaginations. "[It] was too much about facts and not enough feeling."

Soale says she regrets having "misunderstood" the EU and would either vote to Remain or abstain in the event of another referendum. "The EU as a whole isn’t just one body, it’s multiple institutions, and it’s thanks to institutions such as the European Court of Justice that British bills such as the Investigatory Powers Act are held to account for deteriorating British human rights, like privacy." She now believes that the most prominent Leavers, like Nigel Farage and Jacob Rees-Mogg, "have no interest in improving the lives of many who voted for Brexit," and were instead merely attempting to further their own political agenda.

"Brexit, if it means anything, is one of the greatest political scams to be played on our democracy," Soale attests. "Anyone who told Leave voters that Brexit meant this or Brexit meant that was deceiving them. No one knew what Brexit meant and no one cared because no one thought it would happen."

It didn't take long to realise the gravity of my mistake.

Others' reasons for experiencing "Bregret" are tied to the context of where their lives were at in June 2016. Claire Tromans, 38, from Dudley, West Midlands, says she was in an abusive relationship, during which her "access to TV and the outside world was severely restricted," she tells Refinery29. "As such, I relied heavily on Facebook for media and I wrongly believed a lot of the advertisements from the Leave campaign. And although my vote was part protest at the government at the time, believing the adverts meant that I saw no downsides of Leave winning. More money for the NHS, cheaper goods, what was there to dislike?"

Her political awakening came in July 2018, when she "broke free" from the relationship. "I can only describe it as opening the curtains. I was suddenly flooded with information relating to Brexit," she explains. "It didn't take long to realise the gravity of my mistake. [There was] uncertainty for manufacturing business and agriculture, fear from the EU citizens who'd been here for decades, especially in the light of the Windrush scandal... The impact of Brexit was beyond anything I could have imagined."

Many Remain voters have thanked Tromans for her honesty, she says, with only a few behaving angrily towards her. "Many of us were totally unprepared for a referendum with consequences of this magnitude. I've become vocal among my friends... Many now feel the same as me and totally let down by our mainstream media and politicians." She recently met Green Party MP Caroline Lucas as part of her Dear Leavers project and joined Remainer Now on the People's Vote demonstration in London on 23rd March. "I desperately want a People's Vote to rectify my mistake. I'm far from alone."

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