Throughout my school years, my reports read: “Laura works very hard. We’re happy with her progress. She applies herself rigorously to her studies”. Working hard to see results has always been my vibe. I wasn’t naturally gifted per se, nor a boffin, I was a grafter. The same could be said about my working life. I happily put in the extra hours in my career in fashion, working late nights and weekends, answering emails quickly and getting shit done. That was the way I operated. I was an achiever, a meticulous planner and I loved it.
Naturally, I tried to apply this logic to motherhood. I prepared religiously for my zen home birth, walking to and from work every day, doing yoga every night and practicing my hypnobirthing mantras until I was blue in the face. All these preparations went out the window when my son was in fact the wrong way round and not able to get out. Two days of huffing and puffing around my living room finally resulted in the sorrowful switching off of my ceremonial salt lamp, screwing up my tiny jars of essential oils and heading to the hospital for an emergency C-section.
I started to get the feeling that even with my track record of swatting and careful planning, this new section of my life called ‘motherhood’ was going to be completely out of my control. Where I used to be out the door before 9am strolling to work with a coffee in hand, I was now barely managing to get dressed by midday and frizzy curls had become my daily look, not out of choice but convenience. I had to make the biggest adjustment of my life: to slow down and realise that I couldn’t use a to-do list to raise my beautiful son.
In becoming a mother, you learn a million new things every day, and over the last few months, I’ve relied heavily on the advice of my other mum friends. Of course, being an organiser, I thought it might be helpful to compress and compile these into 10 bullet points – the bite size guide I wish I’d had prior to embarking upon this crazy ride.
Wow, I wish I'd spent half the time I did preparing for the birth, reading and understanding about breastfeeding. Do you know what colostrum is?! The reality is your birth will last for a day but if you plan to and are able to, you’ll be breastfeeding for a lot longer than that. In some ways breastfeeding is the most natural thing in the world and in other ways it’s something you have to really to work at with grit and determination. My son didn’t latch on immediately in hospital due to a tongue-tie [where the strip of skin connecting the baby's tongue to the floor of their mouth is shorter than usual] and I felt completely helpless, but there was one midwife who just told me to keep on going, so I did and eventually it worked. I went through the cracked nipple phase and found the advice from friends of lots of coconut oil and airing out to be much more effective than the lanolin nipple cream recommended. There are also a lot of breastfeeding workshops provided by the NHS so if you have a chance to go to any as part of your antenatal classes, do it.
This book has some lovely illustrations and is an enjoyable read.
My friend Ruth wishes she’d bought a nursing bra right from the get go and I have to agree. If you’ve never really had to wear a bra then it might be tempting to wing it with your familiar crop tops but the correct bra and breast pads will make your clothes fit better and make you feel a little more like your old self and a little less like a milk maid. The two best brands by general consensus are Fig Leaves and JoJo Maman Bebe.
I fiddled around with a manual breast pump for a couple of weeks but they’re much more suited to when you’re travelling. The time saved and ease of an electric pump is incomparable and if you’re keen to build up a supply it’s good to press on with that in the first few weeks before your supply regulates.
It’s really hard after the birth when you have lots of excited friends and family desperate to meet your new arrival and bring you with flowers and gifts but you’re still very much in an adjustment period yourself. It’s important to make sure that you protect the first few days together as a new family because your baby is acclimatising to the world and you need to focus on that bonding time. Being passed around by lots of strangers can be unsettling for the baby (and the entertaining draining for you). The best way to communicate this is honestly; give clear guidelines (easier said and done as it’s impossible to shuffle people out once they've made it over the threshold) but don’t be afraid to tell guests you’ll only be free for a couple of hours and encourage everyone to bring dinner or snacks with them.
I heard about this on a podcast called 'Fear Free Birthing' where it was suggested that to be prepared for birth you need to understand every eventuality and to go into the situation clear in the knowledge of what may go wrong. Many expectant mums are terrified of forceps and episiotomies but understanding why they happen and what decisions you can make along the way to avoid them is definitely better than steely denial. A number of friends in my local area recommended the NHS antenatal classes at our hospital and I can vouch for their informative, no-nonsense approach targeted at both mothers and fathers. Your midwife will give you the information you need.
I remember reading this recommendation and thinking 'Nah, I’d much rather tidy up the house and gather the millions of baby-grows and blankets that adorn every surface, or pluck my eyebrows, or reply to some WhatsApps', pretty much anything but sleep. But it does really make a difference to have a nap in the day as you’re so much better prepared to tackle the evening and night stretch with a little fuel in your tank. Everything else can wait.
Once I had slightly started to formulate a daily routine I was pretty certain that I would be very happy pottering around at home playing with the baby. Then I realised my son didn’t like to nap in the day for longer than 30 minutes so getting anything done including having a shower involved carting around the baby bouncer (also recommended to me and a wonderful invention) while I pleaded with him not to cry. Enter the family, a group of people that want nothing more than to hold your baby, entertain him and even change the odd nappy. If you are lucky enough to have them, these extra pairs of hands are a lifesaver in preserving your energy so accept all the help you can get. Get used to people doing things for you that you would never dream of asking them to do before. And when you feel ready, book a haircut, leave baby with Grandma, and get reborn.
I had grown used to my pregnant body, which had slowly and gracefully swelled like a giant peach. My post-birth relationship with my body was a little more fraught. I hadn’t known that you retain your tummy, so you leave the hospital looking like you’re about five months pregnant. I’ve always been petite with small breasts, but suddenly a post-birth belly and Pamela Anderson boobs meant I didn’t recognise my body in the mirror. Sometimes there are stitches to look after and there’s no time or energy to exercise. It’s challenging. My friends reminded me that it takes at least nine months to healthily return to your pre-pregnancy body (if that's what you want) because your body is recovering from trauma and the upheaval of nine months of carrying a child. The “snap back” is bullshit, all you can do is eat healthily, go on lots of walks and remember that your body has undergone the most momentous of tasks and should be looked after with nothing but kindness and respect.
In the first couple of weeks after the birth it would get to 9pm every evening and my husband and I would look at each other, wild-eyed and starving, before promptly ordering yet another Deliveroo. I wish I had batch cooked and frozen slightly more than those two lasagna portions before the baby was born. If you breastfeed, I really recommend these amazing lactation cookies which I received as a gift but were delicious and gave well-needed boosts of energy day and night.
As soon as the fog of the first month had lifted and I had ceased fleeing shopping centres as soon as my son started crying, I felt happy we were getting into a little routine. My son would sleep solidly until about 3am/4am and then wake a couple of times after that. I thought I could actually get used to this and function as a normal sentient being again and then all of a sudden he was waking up every two hours through the night and I was back to feeling utterly deranged. It turns out he was having a growth spurt. I learnt the hard way that babies constantly progress and regress to previous patterns of behaviour. Don’t panic, just ride it out and they’ll be fine in a couple of days. The advice constantly repeated to me is everything gets easier and that no matter how challenging each phase can be, it will pass.
I once read an article which suggested new parents put in a two year ‘no divorce’ agreement which I thought sounded extreme! Until my husband went back to work and I was so filled with utter fury for his lack of understanding about how hard it was to look after a newborn on your own. I had been prepared that when the other partner goes back to work, there may be some discontent as you feel that they are able to go back to work and resume life as if nothing has happened while you’re still at home getting your head around zero sleep and looking after a child solo, yet they believe you're sunbathing, going for coffee and generally having a jolly old time. Another challenge for any couple is the limb-burning, all-consuming tiredness which results in a sense of humour failure and complete lack of empathy and understanding for each other. We found the best remedy is to strap on the BabyBj ö rn, get some beers and go for a walk to the park together. Get some fresh air and have a LOL about that time the little one shat on your favourite Boiler Room T-shirt.
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